Green Side Up!

A woman wants the inside of her house painted, and she calls a contractor in to help her.
They wander around the house, and she points out the colours she wants.
She says, "Now in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it.
Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide.

They wander into the next room.
She says, "In the dining room, I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it.
Then he goes to the window, leans out, And yells "Green side up!"
The woman is even more perplexed, but still she lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room.
She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it.
Then once more he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!"

This is too much for the woman.
So she asks, "Every time I tell you a colour, you write it down, but then you yell out the window Green Side Up. What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says....... "I have four Irishmen laying turf across the street."

He's a Goner

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70 off came the pants. At 75 it was her bra and At 80 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree! His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied, "Ma'am,
if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

Can't take the credit for this one...

When my younger brother was in primary school, he used to have a lot of stomach aches, and it usually turned out he was lying. Anyway, once he was about to go to school but said he had a really bad stomach, then he ran upstairs and proceeded to unload the runnyest crap you ever seen (he shouted me in to see). My mother said that he can go to school, he should be fine now. So much for that. He was in school for about an hour, and told his teacher he felt very sick, so he was proptly sent to the medical room. He got there, and chucked up all over the floor. After this he shit his pants, again, with the runnyest crap you would ever see. It filled his underpants, travelled down his leg, and made a mess of his socks and shoes. Luckily for him this was in year 3 when nobody could remember.

Also, another story about him. When we was at holiday (good old butlins), we all went to bed after a long night. It was only in the morning that I was woken by my mother screaming. Here is a quote from my brother:
"I needed a crap when we got back, but dad was in the toilet so I just went to bed. But I got up in the middle of the night, ran to the toilet, put my hand on the doorknob, farted, and shit my pants." His pants were filled, I seen them. They were so bad my mother put them in a plastic carrier bag and we had to put them in a nearby dumpster.

I really think he has bowel problems.